Shine Hell - You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When...

As a Hellsing fan, you're bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do - limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics. If you're close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

The sixth page of the fan-compiled handy reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

To begin, Aergisomnia is guilty of almost all of these:

...you cried when Rip died.
...Shine is your homepage.
...you get mad at Kim for allowing herself to become Alucard's snack: how dare she sully that gorgeous beast with her mortal taste?
...you've downloaded every single piece of Hellsing hentai you can get your hands on.
...you're counting up the days until you're old enough to move out, so you can read Hellsing smut without being grounded.
...you buy even the really icky Hellsing wallscrolls.
...you can't see the word "Axl" without envisioning chains, whips, leather, and Integral on top.
...the day your little brother made the comment "Police-girl is hot," you loved it and hung out with him all day.
...you've bought several different editions of Vampire Encyclopedias to look up words in Hellsing.
...you will read any Hellsing fanfiction, even if the characters are wildly out-of-character.
...you're procrastinating for the big test tomorrow because you're trying to think up more YKYLHTMWs.
...and you no longer remember what the test is on.
...the only thing left on your bookshelf is Hellsing manga.
...you give random people on the street lectures as to why Alucard and Integral should hook up.
...and you don't feel at all ashamed to admit to any of this.

Miaikon presents these:

...any time you're asked "What are you doing?" you answer with some variation of "Savoring the joy of this ___ and the next ___ and the next ___ and the ___ thereafter."
...you learn Der Freischütz by heart.
...even though you live in a country that's heavily sensitive to WWII themes (say, Germany).
...you have long philosophical discussions with your parents based on your desire to wear Rip's original necklace.
...you are struck speechless for ten minutes after getting a Seras doll for a present.
...you write poems about Hellsing for class assignments.

Raelin went all-out with these:

...you develop a new attraction to your old, resented suit jacket.
...you wear suits to school.
...you wear red contacts, and insist it's your natural color.
...you perk up every time you see the word "Protestant."
...and try to learn everything about the religion.
...even though you're Wiccan.
...you buy a calculus book, just because it says "integral" a lot.
...you've told your little relative Alex, very seriously, that he is the only blond named Alexander that you won't attack.
...but you will never trust him with knives. Of any kind.
...and you try to keep him ignorant of the Catholic church.
...you play WWII games, so that you can kill some Nazis of your own.
...and are disappointed that you never see Rip or Schrö.
...not to mention the severe lack of vampires in the game.
...you learn to like the scent of cigarettes.
...you flinch when you hear that the forecast for the day is "sunny".
...you are never seen outside in daylight without a hat, or at least sunglasses.
...you will only let people play your Hellsing-character mix CDs.
...complete with character-specific decorations.
...your favorite line to shoot people down is "Your findings are irrelevant."
...you spend your class time working on dōjinshi.
...you begin papers with "Releasing control art restriction to level 3, level 2, level 1..."
...your respect for people is entirely based on whether they recognize Alucard at first glance.
...you cried when you got to the end of Dracula.
...even though you don't believe it.
...you stash weapons in preparation for the upcoming Nazi-vampire invasion.
...including a secret hoard of dental floss.
...you know exactly how many frames Alucard's appeared in. (You've counted.)
...you paint checkerboards on your ceiling.
...you lose sleep over how amazingly awesome Hirano is.
...you have nightmares about Iscariot agents chasing you.
...you can't see a bat without jumping for joy.
...you get tattoos of Hellsing characters' initials.
...your present for any given occasion is a custom piece of Hellsing fanart.
...and you can't understand why some people don't appreciate it.
...you get upset when fanfics try to make Alucard a romantic.
...even though you've pondered it.
...you get upset when fanfics try to make Integral a romantic.
...even though you've pondered it.

Reeku returns with this one:

...you start listing more YKYLHTMWs every time you see them.
...even your emoticons wear monocles. (o_Q)
...or eyepatches. (o_ø)
...you spend hours looking over every volume of the manga trying to find every interaction between Alucard and Integral, just to make a romantic relationship seem possible.

KatieKamme@aol.com wrote the following:

...you get frustrated when there's even one tiny stray line on your Hellsing fanart.
...you wonder why FREAK attacks haven't been mentioned on Unsolved Mysteries.
...but reason that it's probably because Integral threatened the producers with her homicidal vampire.

albino_wolf_of_darkness@yahoo.com gives us these:

...you bleach your hair for your Integra cosplay.
...you destroy a perfectly good (and fairly expensive) pair of prescription glasses to make Walter's monocle.
...you draw Alucard on your gym uniform.
...you get sent to the office for it.
...you're suspected of witchcraft because you draw Alucard's sigil (which you have memorized) on everything.
...you greet new people with "introductions are useless" and wish them good night with "guten nacht, Yumiko, guten morgen, Yumie."
...you understand all the German.
...your nickname is "Sir Hellsing".
...you stalk Hellsing cosplayers at cons.

Ashreila is responsible for the following:

...you type "Millennium Project" into every search engine you can think of, hoping to find new information to help Hellsing.
...you actually find some.
...your mixed heritage, which can be used to show allegiance to just about any religion or nationality, is a new source of pride (or relief).
...you refuse to have an annual physical, for fear that the physician knows Doc.
...you take a theology course to try to find out what's going through Anderson's mind.
...you scour both Sister Act movies for Yumiko cameos.
...you cannot think of a better feminist role model than Integra.
...regardless of time of day, when someone asks you about the weather, you say "It's a perfect night."
...or "Today the Hellsing manor will have a rain of blood."
...you take pride in the fact that you sunburn easily, because it must mean you're part vampire.
...you get a job at a bakery just to get at the pie servers.
...and are severely disappointed when you find that you can't take them home.
...and lose your job when you get caught taking them anyway.

And Ashreila she returns with these:

...you blame all of your typos on viruses that Millennium has put on your computer.
...you petition the Smithsonian to open a wing for Hellsing art.
...the first thing on your grocery list is always "tea".
...followed by "tomato juice".
...you refuse to address your little cousin Alex by his name; it's always "Judas Priest" or "Angel Dust".
...and you get in trouble for encouraging him to play with knives.
...you draw a chibi hellhound in the corners of book pages to mark your place.
...you get a pet parrot so that you can have lines from Hellsing recited at you all day.
...you buy Judas Priest albums solely for the name of the band.

And M'Kay for these:

...you conveniently "forget" that vampiric reproduction is a controversial subject, and just talk about making babies with Alucard.
...after seeing the first episode of the OVA, you fall to the floor kicking and screaming for the next one.
...you endlessly prowl YouTube for new trailers.
...you put your fist through a window when the manga volume you ordered doesn't show up on time.
...and it's coming from halfway across the globe.
...you print out Hellsing pictures and distribute them at school.
...you get realistic bite marks tattooed on your neck.

Courtesy of Knightblazer:

...you read every piece of fanfiction online, up to and beyond NC-17.
...even though you are clearly underage.
...you start flinching at the number 13.
...you will read any novel, no matter how bad, so long as it has vampires in it.
...you save multiple fan translations of the manga.
...even though you already bought every licensed volume.
...which you bought by starving through lunch for two solid months to save the money.
...and you bring them wherever you go, be it school, across the country, or next door.
...you start talking to yourself, knowing that Alucard will respond.
...even though you live in a place that gets year-round sun.
...you write songfics for other fandoms with the lyrics from Der Freschütz.
...Hellsing creeps into all of your fanfiction, even Pokémon.

Courtesy of ultimatereaper666@yahoo.com:

...you call your girlfriend "Master".
...you routinely mistake ketchup for blood.
...you shout at people who don't know what Hellsing is.
...even your parents.
...you can slip naturally into Anderson's accent.
...you try to fight anyone who owns an Acura Integra.
...every time you see "integral" in a math book, you look around for Alucard.
...and begin to think you're reading his diary.
...and run away with the book.
...you've stayed up all night explaining the relationship between Alucard and Integral to your acolytes.
...you give your skateboard a Hellsing paint job.
...you buy a skateboard for the sole purpose of giving it a Hellsing paint job.
...and frame it.
...you won't do any assignment that has thirteen sections.
...you hiss at your Catholic friends.
...you insist that people address you with the title "Sir".
...you have Shine memorized.
...and Logos Naki World - the sounds, at least, if not the meaning.
...you ask your computer security company to change its name to Hellsing.

These are by felinaofl2@aol.com:

...you're elated that your room in your new house is in the basement.
...you insist that your room in your new house be in the basement.
...even though it's not finished yet.
...you get a pet bat and name it Alucard.
...when you learn that it's actually a girl, you rename it Girlycard.
...you turn into a puddle of happiness when your boyfriend imitates Alucard's voice.
...you convince your little sister to cosplay Girlycard.
...you cosplay as young Walter, even though it means carrying around a full-size coffin.

And Bri the Alu-kun Fangirl was kind enough to come up with these:

...you buy a copy of Dracula solely to look for Alucard references.
...you insist on calling your blonde, tan friend Integra.
...though she's never been to England.
...you insist on calling your girlfriend "Mignonette."
...or, depending on your favorite pairing, "English sow."
...you have convinced your boyfriend that "Alu-kun" is Japanese for "darling".

Ashreila brings us this batch:

...you pester a local butcher to squeeze blood off of a cut of beef and splash it on a lab coat nicked from a teacher supply store.
...you insist that your optometrist add extra lenses to your glasses.
...you start replying to everything with "..."
...you jot notes in the margins of your camping guidebook: pack extra holy water and communion wafers, make sure you salute the wolves, and cheese wire can save your life.
...you carry a cheap drugstore umbrella even on sunny days.
...your first tattoo is a star smack in the middle of your forehead.
...you only get tattoos on the right side of your body.
...you refuse to eat at the local Starbucks until they start serving Maxwell House brand coffee.

From Pemra, the craziest Hellsing fan she knows:

...your English teacher insists on calling you "vampirella" or "draculina".
...and tells people to close the curtains because daylight causes you trouble.
...you spend lunch looking at cosplay pictures of your favorite pairings on DeviantArt.
...even after the bell rings.
...and your teachers don't even bother asking why you're late any more.
...you listen to RAID and RUINS to sleep at night.
...and spend your free time trying to play them.
...even though you don't have sheet music.
...you get the highest grades in German class because of all the words you learned from Der Freischütz.
...you pester your dentist to give you fang-shaped fillings.
...she relents.
...you hate the Ottoman Empire and the Turks for what the Sultan did to the Prince of Wallachia, a.k.a. Alucard.
...and you're a Turk.
...your aunt and uncle are furious that you made your cousins watch your copies of the Hellsing OVAs.
...because there's not enough room in their bed for all the hiding kids.
...but you defend yourself by saying that they wanted it so badly.
...which is the plain truth, because you converted them long ago.
...you convince your anime club to show Dracula, even though it's not an anime (or even school-appropriate), so that they can understand all the allusions.

From oozora.no.nogusa@gmail.com:

...You start saying war with a 'v' because you've recited Major's speech so many times.
...You hated Seras in the fourth volume because she got to drink Integra's blood.
...Little Integra is the cutest thing you've ever seen, especially in that scene when she's blackmailing Penwood in the OVA.
...You've seriously contemplated the best way to get a hug from Integra and decided that--while you'll probably die, it'll be totally worth it.
...You get sent to hospital with a heart attack whenever someone calls Integra and Rip guys because they totally aren't. You can tell from the curve of their faces.
...Nothing can convince you that Walter actually betrayed Hellsing. He was just brainwashed by Dok, that's all.
...You've started to find the amount of blood that pours out of vampires funny, and actually wondered how many pints it is; and how many people that means they fed on.
...Upon first seeing Anderson, you thought of Wolverine, but now you agree that Anderson is so much better--even though you follow The Hellsing Organization.
...You've attempted to do Rip's curly-cue and cried when it wouldn't stay up.
...You only wish that Rip would sing to you, or at you, and have actually calculated multiple ways of getting it to happen--or at least close enough to hear her sing. All of them end in death, but that's okay. Alucard can bring you back to life.
...Actual Germans understand your German accent perfectly. And you've never been to Germany.
...You understand Quantum Physics now, because you just had to know everything related to Schrödinger. And now you wonder where Dok hides Schrö's box; because he has to have one.
...The only reason you don't have all ten manga, and every ova, and all the episodes is lack of money and you're pretty sure they wouldn't let you have them in prison.
...You've managed to convince yourself that you don't need to sleep--Hellsing makes up for the lack.
...You've made a Hellsing crossover with Harry Potter...and converted HP fans with it.
...You listen to German music over and over trying to pick up an accent.
...People called you crazy and you thought it was a compliment, because--after all--Alucard, Rip, Anderson, Major, and Dok are crazy and those are some of your favourite characters.

From darkmoonchild@hotmail.com:

...you practically alter all the descriptions Stoker has for Dracula by instead placing Alucard’s Dracula form in its place.
...your school computer has a Hellsing background on it.
...you know Jan completely said the ’30 lives’ cheat code for Konami during the OVA.
...you dress like Girlycard on a daily basis.
...you’ve read YKYLHTMWY’s entire list, and the majority of them are true, and the rest you're working on.
...you’ve convinced your friends that they are Hellsing characters and that they are cosplaying with you.
...the voices in your head have started to sound more and more like your favorite Hellsing characters.
...you’re trying to come up with more YKYLHTMWY reasons to beat your friend who is above this post.
...you hand-make all your Hellsing material.
...you build Alucards coffin from scratch and regard it as your last domain.
...you hand embroider both Seras’ patches, and it takes you a grand total of eight days. You have no need to eat or sleep during this time—it’s just a pesky habit you have yet to break.
...you now have the tendency to look at people's necks and wonder what their blood taste like.
...you now have a condescending respect for your higher ups.
...your best friend has started calling you ‘Master’.
...you believe Stephenie Meyer will die by the hands of Alucard.

From taylormt@zoominternet.net:

...you have tried to assassinate Stephenie Meyer.
...and the authorities don't complain, because you got to them first and explained.
...you love fantasizing about how Alucard would hang Edward's head from the dungeon ceiling to serve as mood lighting.
...you think Alucard was the reason that the Children of Darkness fell apart.
...you think the world would end if Alucard and Akasha hooked up.
...however, that doesn't stop you from writing fanfiction about it.
...and creating your own site for it, because FanFiction.Net will not allow any Vampire Chronicles fanfiction.

The beat goes on. Mosey on down to Page Seven to continue.

Do you or someone you know have symptoms of liking Hellsing too much that you don't see here? Send them to me and I'll add them to the list!

And Shine Hell(sing) Now

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