As a Hellsing fan, you're bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do - limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics. If you're close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

Without further ado, I present a fan-compiled handy reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

  1. ...your goal in life is to apprentice yourself to Walter and carry on the art of dental floss of death.
  2. ...you stop washing your hair, and start cutting it erratically, in order to perfect the Alucard look.
  3. ...you singlehandedly support the hair gel industry through the recession in your attempts to look like Integral.
  4. ...and you are a guy.
  5. ...alternatively, you get a contract on the scale of a small business with a hair gel supplier trying to perfect the Anderson look.
  6. ...and cut your cheek to get a really "authentic" scar.
  7. ...and attempt to grow a beard.
  8. ...and, if that doesn't work, buy a fake one.
  9. ...which you wear everywhere.
  10. ...and you're female.
  11. ...you fake nearsightedness and then insist on getting impossibly huge glasses.
  12. ...the local pharmacy rapidly runs out of floss because you buy it all up practicing Walter's moves.
  13. ...you develop the ability to actually cut things with floss.
  14. ...even the waxed type.
  15. ...you quote your favorite character(s) on a daily basis.
  16. ...in Japanese.
  17. ...instead of saying "Whatever" or "Anything goes", you say "Whatever works is cool."
  18. ...you precede this phrase with "In the immortal words of Jan Valentine . . ."
  19. ...you get your little sibling(s) hooked on Hellsing, even though they're young enough that you won't let them watch Order 09: Red Rose Vertigo.
  20. ...you've also converted half of your friends into Hellsing fans.
  21. ...and lost the other half, who have developed doubts about your sanity.
  22. ...you scour department stores for a pair of red and yellow glasses and a huge floppy red hat.
  23. ...and demand to speak to the manager when you can't find them.
  24. ...and end up offering $200 for them on eBay.
  25. ...you insist on getting red contacts.
  26. ...you refuse to get braces, to preserve your pointy eyeteeth.
  27. ...you vehemently denounce all your Catholic friends.
  28. ...or, if you're an Iscariot fan, all your Protestant friends.
  29. ...either way, you no longer have any atheist friends.
  30. ...you've converted to the religion of your favorite character.
  31. ...and have converted your parents and siblings.
  32. ...and your entire extended family.
  33. ...you become the only person in your debate club who is pro-gun.
  34. ...and you defend this position by saying, "If a vampire showed up at YOUR house, wouldn't you want to be prepared?"
  35. ...you try to convince your parents to get the family a gun, complete with silver bullets.
  36. ...you and your siblings act out Hellsing battles using sticks to represent the Jackal, Casull, Anderson's blades, and so on.
  37. ...it's only fun until someone loses an eye.
  38. ...and even that doesn't stop you.
  39. ...because you insist that the eye will regenerate.
  40. ...your mother learns that the best way to stop these battles is to shout, "That's enough, Paladin Alexander Anderson!"
  41. ...and your mother has never watched Hellsing.
  42. ...you refuse to buy any brand of dishwasher besides Integral.
  43. ...or any brand of car besides the Acura Integra.
  44. ...you renounce schoolwork in favor of becoming the world's greatest Hellsing expert.
  45. ...you cancel the family trip to the beach so you can go to Otakon in Hellsing cosplay.
  46. ...when you start up Kazaa/Limewire/your local file-sharing program, it automatically searches for Hellsing media before you type anything.
  47. ...your closet contains nothing but Hellsing cosplay outfits and T-shirts with Hellsing designs.
  48. ...you wear these outfits to school.
  49. ...but you don't get any strange looks, because everyone's gotten used to it by now.
  50. ...you travel to Japan just to get Hellsing merchandise.
  51. ...every room in your house has Hellsing stuff in it, because there's no more space in your room.
  52. ...your parents have given up complaining about this long ago.
  53. ...you take piano lessons just so that you can play Hellsing songs.
  54. ...you practice until you can play all of them, despite not having any sheet music.
  55. ...you stop eating or sleeping to achieve this.
  56. ...you have dreams about Hellsing.
  57. ...you see Hellsing afterimages when you close your eyes.
  58. ...your creative writing projects always turn into Hellsing fanfiction.
  59. ...you spend the fund you were saving for a new computer/car/house on a domain name for your Hellsing fanpage.
  60. ...because you feel sick when you see ads messing up your lovely Alucard layout.
  61. ...nobody trusts you around knives any more.
  62. ...especially if they've just been washed (even if it's not in holy water).
  63. ...you make up Hellsing-related lyrics to your favorite songs and sing them instead of the real ones.
  64. ...you write letters to the singers of those songs asking them to sing the Hellsing versions instead.
  65. ...you write so many letters that you succeed.
  66. ...you singlehandedly convince a local radio station that there's enough of a fan base that it should play all Hellsing music, all the time.
  67. ...there is enough of a fan base, because of all the people you've converted.
  68. ...you win a free motorcycle in a contest and turn it down because it doesn't look like Leif and Jessica's.
  69. ...you frequent every club, regardless of quaity or decency, that's called "Club M".
  70. ...you fly a British flag at your door, despite not living in England.
  71. ...even on Independence Day.
  72. ...you move to England, despite the obvious dangers, just so you can be closer to your favorite character.
  73. ...alternatively, if you're an Iscariot fan, you move to Rome.
  74. ...and you don't speak Italian.
  75. ...your email address, LiveJournal/GreatestJournal screen name, eBay and Amazon usernames, AIM and MSN screennames, Neopets username, etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum, are all Hellsing-related.
  76. ...you start taking fashion cues from Seras.
  77. ...and you're a guy.
  78. ...you don't get any sleep the night before the Big Presentation because you're busy double-checking all your favorite Hellsing sites to see if they've updated.
  79. ...you end up doing the Big PResentation on the freak chip mechanism.
  80. ...during other presentations, you insist on running the projector, and say in your best Integra-voice, "Your findings are irrelevant."
  81. ...and they are, because they're not related to Hellsing.
  82. ...you aren't allowed to run the projector any more.
  83. ...you break up with your significant other because s/he simply doesn't measure up to your favorite Hellsing character.
  84. ...and s/he completely understands, because you converted s/him to Hellsing fandom ages ago.
  85. ...you won't go out with anyone who's not a Hellsing fan.
  86. ...whenever in the presence of a box of tissue paper, you ask bystanders if they'd like to trade some for an episode preview.
Courtesy of Vertigo:
  1. ...you've watched the episodes so many times that you can recite the dialog.
  2. ...in Japanese.
  3. ...you learn to sew so that you can make a chibi doll of your favorite character.
  4. ...you want a hellhound.
  5. ...because you think they're cute.
  6. ...you're taking Japanese solely because you don't want to look stupid when you say Hellsing quotes in that language.
  7. ...you place out of Japanese 101 based on your knowledge gained from obsessive Hellsing quoting.
  8. ...your dog is named Alucard.
  9. ...your walls, floor, shelves, and ceiling are covered with Hellsing posters.
  10. ...you watch episode nine of Cowboy Bebop with subs solely to hear George Nakata (Alucard's seiyuu) making a cameo.
A few from Victoria:
  1. ...you think about Hellsing all day, every day.
  2. ...whenever you sign your name, you add "♥ Hellsing" after it.
  3. ...you insist to all your friends that you ARE Alexander Anderson.
And one from Spooch:
  1. ...you create an Anime Choir just so you can sing "Shine".
Thanks to Elizabeth:
  1. ...you start long discussions with your nine-year-old sister about the relationship between Alucard and Integral.
  2. ...in Japanese.
  3. ...you have a list of Things That Are Unworthy Of Being On The Same Planet As Hellsing, But Exist Anyway Just To Bother Me.
  4. ...you explain nicely to your mother that the reason you stay up all night, sleep until three in the afternoon, and then stay inside all day watching Hellsing, is not because you're lazy and stubborn, but because you're a vampire and can't take sunlight.
  5. ...you decide that all other anime are unworthy of existing alongside Hellsing, and begin a campaign to ensure that such monstrosities as Pokémon, Sailor Moon, and Inuyasha are thrown into a fire immediately.
Thanks to Seika:
  1. ...you watch all the episodes back-to-back in one sitting.
  2. ...you get multiple screens together and watch all of them at once.
  3. ...you dress up as Alucard for every con there is.
  4. ...you craft a copy of Integra's sword.
  5. ...you run around the house yelling "Search and Destroy!"
  6. ...you insist on referring to your basement as a dungeon.
  7. ...you draw the Hellsing members instead of your family in art class.
  8. ...and tell your teacher that those people are your family members.
  9. ...you force yourself to develop a tea-drinking habit.
  10. ...you imagine that Walter is sitting next to you on the bus.
  11. ...you print out Hellsing pictures and paste them all over your wall.
True story, courtesy of Lady Nemisis:
  1. ...you name your goldfish "Integra", "Wingates", and "Hellsing."
Thanks to Anny:
  1. ...when told to say your prayers, you recite the Hellsing organization's motto.
  2. ...you know all the songs by heart, and can translate them from memory.
  3. ...you sing them regularly.
  4. ...you're so good at singing "Shine" that it wins you a talent show.
  5. ...you spend all the money on Hellsing stuff the same afternoon.
  6. ...you treat the local minister/reverend/priest as your arch-rival.
  7. ...and do battle with s/him on a daily basis.
  8. ...you address all authority figures as "Master."
  9. ...when attacked, you laugh evilly and quote, "Wonderful, just wonderful."
  10. ...you get custom-made oversized cake knives so you can be just like Anderson.
  11. ...you get a high-pressure water gun converted into a model of the Jackal.
  12. ...on Halloween you hide in the bushes and shoot at demonic-costumed trick-or-treaters.

From Amanda:
  1. ...you can never be introduced to anyone without telling s/him what Hellsing character s/he looks like.
  2. ...your favorite food is now steak-and-kidney pie.
  3. ...you actually attempt to drink blood.
  4. ...and, meanwhile, indulge in sweet-and-sour sauce and ketchup.
  5. ...on seeing any red liquid, you get distracted reminiscing about Hellsing episodes.
  6. ...instead of paying attention to your teachers, you doodle Hellsing characters.
  7. ...when you get detention for this, you become certain that the teacher is either a vampire or an Iscariot agent.
  8. ...so you sneak your model Jackal/Casull/Harkonnen cannon into school with you.
Courtesy of "Angeldust" Anderson:
  1. ...you wear scarves, with optional cross pin, to formal occasions instead of ties.
  2. ...you force your poor dog to wear a headband with extra eyes attached.
  3. ...and train it to hold a squeaky cross toy in its teeth.
  4. ...and, after the much-abused creature learns the basics of "sit" and "stay", you get very frustrated in its ability to understand "turn into mist" and "sprout extra heads".
  5. ...you insist to your parents that you can't go to school or the sun will burn you.
  6. ...and before you return home, you paint your face and arms to try to convince them that you were right.
  7. ...you refuse to remove your gloves at fancy dinners, insisting that the silverware will blow you up.
  8. ...you carry a plastic spork everywhere you go, in case you get stranded at a fancy dinner with no gloves.
  9. ...you paint a red pentagram on your door and interrogate visitors about what visions they saw when they came in.
  10. ...you refuse to buy your own house until you can afford an exact replica of the Hellsing mansion.
  11. ...and wallpaper the whole thing with childhood Hellsing sketches.
  12. ...and there's enough of them to actually cover the walls.
  13. ...you're the best shot in your local gun/rifle/archery club, and whenever someone asks your secret, you tell s/him to shoot like s/he has a third eye in s/his forehead.
Thanks for these goes to Anny:
  1. ...whenever anything good happens, you stand up and laugh like a maniac and bend way over backwards, Alexander-style.
  2. ...and the walls flash red and white.
  3. ...you get out of fights by threatening to bite the other person, and following through on it.
  4. ...you talk about blood like a wine critic with a fine vintage ("Tart and lingering, with a delicate, full-bodied character . . .")
  5. ...at the blood bank you press your face against the window and stare at the contents.
  6. ...when asked what you're doing, you say, "Admiring the view."
  7. ...you follow hospital trucks to steal the medical bags.
  8. ...you've attacked these trucks so many times that, in your region, they're armored vehicles.
  9. ...you decorate everything with bats, year-round.
  10. ...you christian your new house/boat/car/vehicle in the name of Hellsing.
  11. ...when asked what you want to do when you grow up, you reply, "Search and Destroy!"
  12. ...you name your firstborn child after your favorite Hellsing character.
  13. ...regardless of gender.
  14. ...you do the same thing with your second child, naming s/him after your second favorite character.
  15. ...by the third kid, you just give up and name s/him "Hellsing."
  16. ...you've given up on trying to hide the fact that you're in love with Alucard, and in fact announce it up front to everyone you meet.
  17. ...at family reunions, you address unfamiliar cousins by the name of whatever Hellsing character they happen to look like.
  18. ...you have a specially trained canine unit that you've taught to hunt down freaks, ghouls, and all things undead.
  19. ...you've trained them so well that you can't take them on walks by the cemetary any more.
Indebted to Tigris for the following:
  1. ...you attack pale people with oversized cake knives.
  2. ...and get mad when the police don't believe that you were trying to rid the world of a vampire.
  3. ...whenever someone offers you flowers, you tell them to shut up and smack the bouquet out of their hands.
  4. ...even if it's your fiancé(e).
  5. ...you scour your basement for tied-up vampires.
  6. ...and become very upset when you can't find any.
  7. ...although you've only lived in the house for ten years.
  8. ...you start talking with a British accent.
  9. ...you spend hours copying every exact detail of Alucard's sigil onto a pair of gloves.
  10. ...you wear a monocle.
  11. ...and there's nothing wrong with either of your eyes.
  12. ...you go to the Tower of London with a tour group and supplement the guide's information with your explanations of the events of Order 12 and 13.
Courtesy of Laruel:
  1. ...you try to convince people that you're really Alucard in disguise.
  2. ...and they start to actually believe you.
  3. ...and you're a girl.
  4. ...and then you chew them all out for not recognizing that you're nowhere near as cool as Alucard.
Kade is guilty of these:
  1. ...when watching other shows, you notice characters that are "Alucards" or have "Seras-Walter relationships".
  2. ...you call your grandfather who wears a monocle "Walter".
Courtesy of Sachiel:
  1. ...you scour the Internet for Hellsing soldier executions.
  2. ...you go into pubs and actually order tomato juice.
  3. ...you refuse to cut your hair until it's as long as Luke's.
  4. ...you find the painting Integral was looking at in the National Gallery and stand around waiting for an Italian with yellow roses.
  5. ...you don't trust anyone from a village named after cheese.
  6. ...you call goths FREAKs.
  7. ...you run a Hellsing website with bios on any character with more than two speaking lines.
  8. ...you dye your hair white and develop a fetish for bondage clothes.
Back to the dōjinshi-ka for a moment:
  1. ...you rant about Integral so much and so extensively that people start to wonder if you're quite straight.
  2. ...and you weren't sure yourself until you fell in love with Integral and it all became clear.
  3. ...you go into science and dedicate your life to actually opening a portal to the Hellsing universe.
  4. ...you succeed.
  5. ...you start a "You know you like Hellsing too much when" list and it amasses two hundred items before it becomes self-referential.

The list doesn't stop here - in fact, it goes on for quite a while. Ready for more? Page Two awaits you.

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