Shine Hell - You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When...

As a Hellsing fan, you're bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do - limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics. If you're close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

The fifth page of the fan-compiled handy reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

MasterWired starts us off:

...you worship at an Alucard idol.
...if anyone bothers you, you call on your idol to smite them.
...since you don't have access to actual blood, you offer your Alucard statue tomato juice.
...or, in the Protestant tradition, grape juice.

These are from open_sketchbook:

...you build a trap that drops holy water on people who open your front door.
...you keep communion wafers and holy water in the fridge, just in case.
...your houseguests understand, and do the same.
...you try to get Enrico nominated for Pope.
...you quote scripture at goths.
...and you're not Christian.
...you accuse the Bible of stealing cool lines from Hellsing.
...and insist that the Vatican issue an official apology for this.
...you watch as many obscure anime (like Victorian Romance Emma) as you can find, trying to understand all of Hirano's references.
...you submit a freelance news report on the attack on the Hellsing house to CNN.
...it wins a Pulitzer.
...you walk around in a T-shirt that says "Alucard is my Homeboy."
...until it falls apart.

Fenrir Hirano brings us these:

...you legally change your last name to Hirano.
...you would rather name your cat Incognito than anything not Hellsing-related.
...and it's a girl cat.
...you refuse to accept any pairing involving Alucard because you think he's too awesome to be paired with anyone.
...you refuse to accept any pairing involving Alucard because you can't stand the thought of someone else getting him.
...you wear your entire Alucard cosplay outfit even when it's ninety degrees out.
...you ignore your commencement address in favor of doodling Hellsing characters.
...except that you look up when the speaker says "integral".
...you buy the action figures and blame them when you bite people.
...you break into the Alucard grin at random moments.

And these are courtesy of kitsunekami:

...you write "!pip rox!" on your knuckles.
...and your friends' knuckes.
...and random strangers' knuckles.
...when people remind you that Pip's "not real", you yell at them that they're just Catholic-loving freaks.
...you call your friends every day to tell them how many days are left until the next volume comes out.

Lady Kitsunia gives us this bunch:

...you visit every jewelry store in multiple states attempting to find the cross Alucard's biting on the cover of volume 6.
...whenever you hear the name Anderson, you scream "JUDAS PRIEST!" and chase whoever said it.
...you win debates by quoting Alucard.
...you're on first-name terms with the local Barnes & Noble staff because you keep pestering them about Hellsing.
...you listen to songs that you don't like just because the lyrics remind you of Alucard.
...you start a club at school for Hellsing fans.
...and most of the school joins.
...and the teachers fight over who gets to supervise it.
...you lobby for a Kōta Hirano class in the syle of J. R. R. Tolkein classes.
...you get one.
...you are hired as its teacher.
...you make a family tree in which you can trace your parentage all the way back to Vlad III Dracula.
...even though you're Chinese.
...your most heated arguments with your friends are over the spellings of Walter Dornez and Heinkel Wolfe's last names.
...and hunt down Hirano just to prove that you're right.
...you hang around tattoo parlors, hoping to find Zorin.
...you hang around casinos, hoping to spot the Dandy.

The following come from Cerberus Incarnate:

...you strike strange poses on the firing range.
...and yell at other people because they can't hit a target at 500 meters.
...you master a variety of large-caliber weapons in the hopes that you will someday be recruited by Hellsing.
...you injure your wrist trying to shoot a 13mm rifle one-handed, in an attempt to prove that a human can too handle it.
...on the cast you get for said injury, you copy Leif and Jessica's graffiti.
...under bridges, you copy Leif and Jessica's graffiti.
...you rant for a good two hours on all the mistakes (and the utter lack of Hellsing or Alucard) in the first seven books of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles.
...you kept wondering, while reading, when Hellsing would show up and whack Lestat.
...you attempt to calculate which characters, out of Lestat, Marius, Louis, Akasha, and so on, qualify for No-Life-King status.

And these from Sphinx:

...you paint "Speak with Dead" and "Jesus Christ is in Heaven" on the back of your gloves.
...you insist on pronouncing it "tlench coat."
...you start speaking entirely in an Austrian accent.
...you start speaking entirely in a bad French accent.
...you start speaking entirely in a bad German accent, in which you pronounce half the "V"s as "W"s and half the "W"s as "V"s.
...you save all of your money for a trip to Europe to track down the characters.
...you paint a mural of your favorite character on the side of a building.
...it's your school building.
...you ruined a lab coat by staining it with stage blood/ketchup/red ink, Doc-style.
...you have mastered the Laughing Nazi Grin.
...you have become a WWII buff.
...you have a Laughing Nazi uniform, boots and all.
...and you're Jewish.
...while watching WWII documentaries, you scrutinize the crowds for Millennium members.

Courtesy of one Misali the pagan vampire tracker:

...you dye your hair blonde to cosplay as Seras.
...you cut your hair off to cosplay as Alexander.
...when delivering a message, you quote Schrödinger from volume 4.
...you watch Highlander solely to get Alexander's accent right.
...you aren't allowed in churches any more because whenever you see a cross you yell "AHH IT BURNS!"
...you spend inordinate amounts of time trying to work out who Alucard hooked up with, and when, to produce the Castlevania Alucard and Vampire Hunter D.
...you accuse your Catholic friends of joining Iscariot.
...while they call you a neo-Nazi for your Millennium fandom.
..."Child-molesting priests? What about all those psycho priests that kill anything that isn't human? Those are the real problem."
...you buy CDs with Catholic-bashing songs on them.
...you spend hours trying to put the right words and symbols on pieces of paper to turn them into barriers like Alex's.
...you call your least favorite teacher "Vatican swine" when you get particularly mad.
...you bow in front of the kid with the long blonde hair and call him "Luke".
...people come to you on advice for vampire-hunting.
...you try to get anyone named Walter to help you with your homework.
...and make you tea.
...and you're surprised when it doesn't taste that good.
...you splurge on a color printer solely to be able to print Seras in color.
...you write a paper attempting to demonstrate that Integral and Sephiroth are related.
...you worry that any company in South American might be affiliated with Millennium.
...you go "IT'S SOOOO CUTE!" upon seeing fiery plane crashes because you expect to see a cartoon bat on the plane.
...you go "IT'S SOOOO CUTE!" upon seeing Nazi plots in WWII movies because you expect to see a cartoon seal on Operation Seelöwe bookets.
...you give up eating for a week to be able to buy an Alucard-style trenchcoat.
...you see red eyes peering at you from strange places.
...you draw up plans to do a Hellsing skit for a talent show.
...you attempt to out-curse Jan.
...you make flowers wilt in the attempt.
...you buy a Hellsing RPG handbook, even though you don't RP.
...you get jealous of Rip because Alucard bites her.
...you spend hours in distress when you can't interpret one of the panels in the Luke and Jan omake.
...you destroy a pair of gloves trying to duplicate Walter's floss tricks.

Hana sends these in:

...you only eat romaine lettuce (because you have to support Alucard's native land somehow, darnit!).
...you have long and thoughtful debates about the differences between the mangaverse, the TVseriesverse, and the OVAverse.
...you cosplay as the Major in a partly Jewish area.
...and do the Nazi salute.
...and don't even care when you get arrested, because your vampire henchmen will surely free you.
...it surprises you that there's no written record of a breed of dog with eight eyes.
...you can say from experience that stage blood doesn't taste too bad.
...you've cosplayed as every single character.
...including Incognito.
...with separate costumes for the TV series, OVA, and manga versions.
...you spend entire afternoons watching the OVA trailer on repeat.
...whenever you see someone in a slutty outfit on the street you pat her on the shoulder and say "God bless you, child" in a Scottish accent.
...you talk to yourself, and explain to the curious that Pip's soul is now a part of you.
...you have a silversmith craft exact replicas of Alexander's blades.

And here are some from Adder:

...you dream of being hunted by Alucard.
...and, on waking, sulk all day because he didn't catch you.
...you sleep with Hellsing manga under your pillow.
...you grin like a maniac whenever your teacher mentions the Maxwell equation in science class.
...you can't stop thinking about Iscariot while watching Jesus Christ Superstar.
...you announce in religion class that Judas was "only misunderstood."
...and back up your argument with Cross Fire.
...you seriously consider getting a sex change so you can start a career as a priest.
...and, failing that, seriously think about becoming a nun.
...you never leave the house without a cross in your pocket.
...you try to talk your friends into watching Der Freischütz at the opera house.
...whenever you watch TV, you mutter things like, "If she ever encountered a real vampire..."

A few from Gryphon:

...you laugh maniacally whenever anyone gets cut.
...you spend hours on the Internet snooping for OVA news.
...you preordered the Japanese edition of the first OVA episode six months before it came out.
...you went to Japan to sit outside the studio and wait for it.

Ramona sends these from Norway:

...you force Hirano to make up a new Hellsing character based on you.
...and pair the character up with Alucard.
...and you're male.
...you sleep with a life-size cardboard Integral in your bed.
...you lose all contact with your home country when you move to Rome to stalk Enrico.
...you threaten to strangle a friend who won't hurry up and watch the last few episodes.
...you talk to Seras, even though your friends insist there's nobody there.

J. Totts of Many Worlds provided these:

...you use the Major as a boss in a tabletop RPG.
...you use Ferguson, Nameless Order 07 Chick, and Father Renaldo as NPCs in said RPG.
...you go into government service to track down your country's equivalent of the Hellsing Organiation.
...when you can't find one, you become the founder of one.
...you become very confused when neither Hellsing nor Iscariot operatives appear in the opening scene of Hellboy (it starts in Scotland, after all).
...you petition Dark Horse to publish a Hellsing/Hellboy crossover.
...and end up writing one yourself.

August Dominic Leopin gives us these:

...while reading Washington Irving's Rip van Winkle, you mentally implant Der Fresuchütz references.
...and replace the secondary characters with Millennium members.
...you try to kill a man with a pack of playing cards.
...the debate club has to forcibly remind you that "Alucard vs. Lestat" is not a legitimate debate topic.
...you tell your friends who do recreational hunting that you've got them all beat with your magic bullets.
...when asked about your view on the situation in Iraq, you respond with the Major's "I love war" speech.
...your will explicitly states that your coffin must have the lines from the Ripley Scroll on it.
...you explore the concept of a fourth dimension in the hopes that you too will be able to carry half a million bayonets.
...you're genuinely disappointed that the pet store doesn't have any eight-eyed puppies for sale.
...you can play "Logos Naki World" on any existing musical instrument.
...no one will watch Bram Stoker's Dracula with you, because you won't shut up about how incorrect the ending is.
...people who spy on you always end up in the nearest sizeable body of water with flags stuck in their backs.

Marilyn is guilty of all of these:

...you stay up until 1 AM for two days in order to finish painting a picture of Hellsing.
...you no longer think you look like a nerd in glasses.
...you christian your lunch table in the name of the Hellsing Organization.
...you shout "SEARCH AND DESTROY!" when somebody mentions preps.
...you scream "IT'S THE JUDAS PRIEST!" when someone who looks like Anderson tries to sit at the table.
...and spend the next ten minutes ranting about how a member of Iscariot should not be allowed to sit at a table christianed in the name of Hellsing.
...after lunch has ended and he's left, you ponder why he didn't pull out his knives and kill you for being a supporter of Hellsing.

And Allison is guilty of all of these:

...you've taken to calling everyone who disagrees with you a "Protestant sow".
...in an Italian accent.
...you wrote a research paper on the moral lessons in Hellsing.
...and convinced your teacher to read the first manga.
...and got an A on the paper.
...you write a Hellsing fanfiction in iambic pentameter.
...and have considered writing a Hellsing version of Romeo and Juliet.

More from Rikiana:

...the only way you still go out in the sun is if somebody pushes you outside and locks the door.
...you insist that the only reason you can't simply go back in through the wall is because the sun restricts your vampiric powers.
...but you end up going through the trap door you built into the basement.
...you've blocked up all your bedroom windows because you're afraid you'll burn to a crisp when the sun is up.
...you've raised the Integral cosplay to such perfection that Alucard cosplayers follow you around.
...alternatively, if you're an Alucard cosplayer, you follow Integral cosplayers around.

From Destructive Apocalyptic Neuropsychotic Alucard-lover ("Dana" for short):

...at cons, you create a sign that says "WILL YOU MARRY ME MASTER?" and show it to every Integral cosplayer you see.
...and you're not cosplaying Alucard.

And from Remeth:

...you've done everything on this list and are still a fan.
...alternatively, you've gone over the list in detail and divided it into "Done That", "Working On That", and "Still Need To Try That".

ForeverSnow brings us the following:

...you audition for American Idol singing "Shine".
...and qualify.
...and win, after converting the judges to Hellsing fandom.
...even Simon.
...at the next family budget meeting, you ask for a helicopter with sidewinders.
...when wishing someone well, you say, "May God and Her Majesty be with you. Amen."
...you sneak into classrooms after school and write the Hellsing moto on the boards.

Inara of Effulgent Studios has this to offer:

...the difficulty was not in convincing your fiancé(e) to have an Hellsing-themed wedding, but in deciding whether you will be dressed as Alucard and Integral or Pip and Seras.

Reeku came up with the following:

...you buy jewelry simply because the package says "crusader" or "cross".
...you start drawing your own ending to Hellsing, because Hirano just isn't fast enough.
...you can't talk about anything with a non-fan until you've told s/him all about Hellsing.
...you refuse to get contacts.
...you insist that your brother grow out his hair, dye it orange, and braid it.
...you start using British slang.
...convincingly.
...you accuse your dog/cat of being a lycanthrope/chordewa.
...you mention "vampire hunting" on a test, just because the question had "bayonet" in it. (It was about muskets.)

Like the Energizer Bunny, they just keep going and going and going - in this case, going onto Page Six.

And Shine Hell(sing) Now

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