Shine Hell - You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When...

As a Hellsing fan, you're bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do - limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics. If you're close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

The fourth page of the fan-compiled handy reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

...you become the founder of a religion based on worship of Kōta Hirano.
...it grows to rival Christianity in size.

These are thanks to Alucard of Wallacia:

...you bookmark all of these pages.
...reading over them, you feel guilty that you haven't done enough.
...you add points to this list within five minutes of reading it.
...in D&D games, you ask the DM if you can create an undead-hunting organization called Hellsing.
...he approves, since you converted him two weeks before.
...you later inspire him to design a class specifically for Walter.
...you take European History to learn more about the WWII backstory.
...you calculate the estimated impact of a blast from the Harkonnen Cannon in physics class.
...you calculate the estimated impact of a blast from the Harkonnen Cannon in your free time.
...you and your girlfriend decide not to display any public affection because the public isn't ready to see Alexander and Seras as a couple yet.
...you design your own, better version of Incognito.
...your analysis of the part of Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet is "similar to Enrico".
...you pray to the spirit of the Harkonnen Cannon.
...for sexual advice.
...you convince your little sister to cosplay as Helena.
...you desperately try to convince Elfwood.com that Hellsing art isn't lowly Fan Art.
...you do extensive research on Vlad "Tepes" Dracula, then reread the manga and take notes on all the tie-ins.
...you only pass your history exam because of your familiarity with words such as "Vatican" and "Paladin".

These, many of which are true, come from Nighteyes Gwyllgi Siaw:

...you re-read your YKYLHTMW list daily.
...and have made it into a checklist.
...in sewing class, you make a Hellsing-based cushion cover.
...in shop, you make a 3-D hellhound.
...you poke yourself on the neck with sharp things to achieve that perfect bite-mark look.
...all the Catholics in town cross the street if they see you coming.
...every time your cat freaks out, you look for a hellhound.
...you convince yourself that you are the reincarnation of a Hellsing character.
...and start acting like it.
...even if you prefer the organization that the character opposes.
...you sabotage any project with the word "Millennium" in the title.
...and "Century", just to be safe.
...you are surprised that there's a folk tale about someone called "Rip Van Winkle".
...you grill your science teacher about the composition of vampire blood.
...you have smutty pictures on your computer, featuring kinks you wouldn't otherwise go within fifty feet of, simply because they feature Hellsing characters.
...you buy a cross, although nobody in your family is Christian.
...you paint your room black with red eyes.
...you spend an entire day trying to draw a bayonet.
...you spend time meant for your poetry assignment staring at an image of Alucard and sighing.
...and you are a guy.
...you get a warm fuzzy feeling every time you see Hellsing fanart.

This batch is thanks to D.A.:

...you go to England, buy an overpriced pentagram pendant, and carry it with you always.
...you hold it and ask Alucard for help in bad times.
...you steal silver crosses from churches and ship them to "the Hellsing Organization, England" in hopes that you'll be rewarded for providing Alucard with ammunition.
...when you receive no answer, you blame it on the Iscariot organization.
...you save up your money to hire an animation company to create a second series of Hellsing.
...you then successfully lobby to have it declared "Best Anime Ever Made."
...when you lose an argument, you say in a Scottish accent, "We will meet again, Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing."
...and the person you were arguing with admits that you were right.
...because s/he can see the oversized pie servers in your belt.
...you spend a whole morning trying to convince a new Hellsing fan to ship your favorite pairing.
...you hijack a tour bus and drive it around, looking for Hellsing HQ.
...you give all of your notebooks Hellsing-related subtitles.
...you go to the local Circuit City and ask for a FREAK chip.
...and bother them until they produce something.
...which you then insert into your head.

And these are from Dark Dreamer:

...you legally change your name to Victoria.
...every time Alucard says "Seras Victoria" you turn to mush.
...and then you clip a scene where he says "Victoria" and play it over and over.
...you make a Van Helsing poster with "corrections" (including the extra L).
...you spend countless nights hunting through the TV series and manga for hints of your favorite pairing.
...you look in the WWII section of your bookstore for Hellsing: The Dawn.
...and chew out the manager for not having enough Hellsing.
...no, literally, "chew out".
...you relate songs to Hellsing and then can only think of things from Hellsing when you listen to them, rather than any original meaning they may have had.

...you understand why this YKYLHTMW has this number.
...and you don't see anything wrong with counting this way.

This batch is thanks to Stormy Oktober:

...you get geniuinely angry after going through the entire WWII section without finding a mention of Alucard, Walter, the Letze Battallion, or the Millennium Project.
...you run around the house screaming "Pip and Rip never died you lieeeeee!"
...you pounce on shaggy-haired teenage boys, yelling "WHEE SCRÖDINGER!!!"
...you pull off nuns' glasses in hopes that they'll whip out a katana on you.
...you are deathly afraid of blonde priests.
...your art teacher yells at you for drawing only Hellsing characters.
...when ignorant people hear "Hellsing" and ask "Like the movie, Van Helsing?", you have to be forcibly restrained from strangling them. (Erin also pleads the fifth with respect to this one.)

These come from Angel Fish:

...at your birthday party, you take the cake knives and attack, screaming "I am the instrument of God!"
...because your cake was white with the Hellsing organization oath frosted on it in red.
...not at your request, just because your parents know you so well.
...you do the same thing at Thanksgiving with a serving-knife version of Integra's sword.
...you ruin countless letter-openers by attempting to sharpen them to look like Integral's from Order 09: Red Rose Vertigo.
...when you succeed, you begin target practice on a dummy of Baobhan Sith.
...that your mother helped make.
...you go through the series over and over just to get the right Disciplines for Alucard's stats in Vampire: The Masquerade.
...and spend hours debating what clan you want him to be.
...ou go on to create a Changeling: The Dreaming version of Integral, and mourn when she doesn't measure up to the true one.
...you have involved discussions about the psychology of Alucard.
...and your eavesdropping psych professor is impressed.
...it's midnight and you aren't prepared for your class which starts in seven hours, because you were busy explaining Hellsing to a co-worker.

These often true examples are from vaticanassassin:

...when you hear about Pip's death, you go into mourning for days.
...you were ecstatic when told you needed glasses.
...you got arrested for pulling your model Jackal on goths around town.
...but the police understand and let you go, because you converted them to Hellsing fandom.
...during that incident with the bayonets.
...you catch yourself singing, "When you start the war, fight with bows, spears, and swords!"
...you take French just to be able to understand Pip.

These few come from Damian:

...you take Hellsing quizzes on the Internet and purposely memorize the outcomes until you get every result.
...you search the Internet trying to find the characters in real life (Anderson, the Hellsing family).
...you visit these people's homes (or graves) and attempt to join their organizations.
...when they won't let you, you attack their houses with a tour bus.
...you try to catch conjunctivitis (red eye disease).

This batch is courtesy of sean sierra:

...you bicker over whether Seras looks better with blue eyes or red.
...at the end of assignments, you write "Limited release complete."
...you ask your local priest to set you up with a job in Section XIII.
...you enter knife-throwing contests in hopes of meeting Anderson.
...you won't get on tour buses until you've convinced yourself that they have no fully armed ghouls on them.
...you buy a straitjacket exactly like Bondagecard's.
...and wear it on a regular basis.

These came from Kyvi the Vampyre Hamster:

...you refuse to do your chemistry project on anyone but Enrico Fermi.
...except Erwin Schrödinger.
...and you plaster pictures of Schrödinger all over the project.
...and get into an argument with your teacher when she doesn't believe that Schrödinger had cat ears.

And these from ValmotDracul:

...you are chronically sleep-deprived because you're too busy reading fanfic to go to sleep until at least three AM.
...and, when you've read all the fanfic to be found, too busy looking for more.
...and, when you've exhausted your search, too busy keeping watch for Alucard.

Some from Chiara:

...you jump for joy whenever you hear the word 'hell' or 'sing'.
...you get a dopey grin on your face whenever you think about the battles.
...as a result, your mother starts to wonder about your sanity.
...you make it a personal goal to get every picture of Hellsing on the Internet.
...you convert the exchange student, and get s/him to swear an oath to spread Hellsing love in s/his home country.
...you turn down an afternoon hanging out with friends just to reread favorite Hellsing fanfics.

And others from DarkPredator:

...your Google search history contains only Hellsing terms.
...your parents have to buy a bigger house in order to store your Harkonnen Cannon replica.
...you wait around the blood bank for a Hellsing truck to come by.
...you get fined for harrassment after calling all the women on the force "Police Girl".
...you come up with things like the following:
Someone set us up the FREAK chip
You are on the way to Integral
All your blood are belong to us
Ghouls have no chance to survive make your time
Luke, I'm your brother
Luke, I'm your killer

These are from Els the Alucard and Armand Fangirl:

...you send Hirano death threats when Pip dies.
...you assume the fetal position when people discuss Rip Van Winkle.
...you dye your hair black and warn people not to take your glasses off.
...you are very suspicious of anyone with a lot of tattoos.
...you force the school cafeteria to serve very rare meat.

These - mostly true - are from Vikana&Alucard:

...you check your teeth daily in the mirror to see if they're getting any sharper.
...instead of paying attention in class, you fantasize about Alucard and your Mary Sue.
...you get jealous whenever you see fanart of Alucard hugging Integral.
...to say nothing of Hirano's art with Alucard holding Integral.
...you insist that Alucard is watching you through mirrors, and have to turn them all towards the wall before you'll get dressed.
...you laugh maniacally when Alucard kills Rip.
...you make a replica of Rip's musket and try to shoot "magic bullets" at everything.
...and can't understand why they never hit what you were aiming for.
...you file your teeth.
...any time you wake up in the middle of the night, you're sure there was a vampire involved.
...you start seeing grins in shadows.
...you burst out laughing whenever you hear the words "dental floss".

And these from gene:

...the kids you babysit are trained to call you "Master."
...people cower at your smile.
...you hate people named Anderson just on principle.
...your whole room is decorated in red and black.
...you have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that there is no British in your ancestry.
...whenever you see a bug or a mouse you scream, "Search and Destroy!"
...you will listen to even the most horrible, off-key guitar player if he's playing "Shine".
...after discovering that there's someone in your town who hasn't heard of Hellsing, you sit him down and give him a three-hour tutorial.
...you spend a day without sleeping or eating, searching for that perfect Alucard hat.

Written by Els the Alucard fangirl:

...you steal a red trenchcoat.
...you faint when you hear about the OVA.
...you threaten to sic Alucard on your teacher when she says vampires aren't real.
...you write a collection of short stories entirely about killing Jan with Walter's floss of doom.
...you write "FLOSS OF DOOM" on the back of all your notebooks.
...and all your floss.
...you apply for a summer job at the Hellsing Organiation.

And these are by theresa@droptail.com:

...you constantly sing "Logos Naki World" at work, over the protests of your co-workers.
...you can watch any episode and recite all the lines with the characters.
...you ride the Eurostar to London and walk up and down the cars looking for Anderson.

A bunch by Ak-Star:

...you design a Hellsing-based RPG.
...and it outsells D&D and Vampire: The Masquerade.
...you make a Hellsing RP on Neopets.
...and don't get frozen, because you work so hard to get Hellsing-appropriate dialog around the censors.
...you succeed in turning a D&D campaign into a Hellsing mission.
...you make Hellsing modules for all the games you play.
...and when you upload them, they top the download charts.
...you convert your favorite bands to the fandom and get them to play Hellsing music.
...you get your school band to play Hellsing music, after converting your band teachers.
...everything you know, you learned from Hellsing.
...you were hooked the instant you saw the opening.
...even though you live in Nebraska, if anyone says "Go Big Red," you think of Alucard, not the Nebraska Corn Huskers.
...you can't look at a cake cutter without thinking of Alexander's blades.
...you read the whole YKYLHTMW list in one sitting.
...you pray for a Hellsing video game.
...you get glasses tinted like Alucard's.
...and wear them all the time, even though you can't see through them.
...you break your glasses in half just to have a monocle.
...you actually injure someone with dental floss.

A few from Alison:

...you come up with backstories for all the characters that don't get developed much.
...you write a fanfiction series dedicated to each individual character.
...you use Hellsing names for your spouse and children in The Game of Life.
...and The Sims.
...and real life.
...you finally found meaning in your life when you got to be in Shine as a fangirl.

Here are some from Rikiana:

...you don't even wait for anything Hellsing-related to show up in a conversation before you rant about how inferior everything else is.
...you have completely purged yourself of anything that isn't Hellsing-related.
...if it's necessary for survival, you make it Hellsing-related.
...you keep a stash of cash around in case you come across a Hellsing thing you don't own and need to make an emergency purchase.
...you hand-stiched a quilt covered in anime scenes.
...and it helps you sleep at night.

And here's a batch from PhasmaRol:

...you're capable of singing "Logos Naki World" perfectly.
...without the music.
...whenever a character in a non-Hellsing story becomes a vampire, you turn s/his name into an Alucard pun.
...and get mad when people compare said character to Blade instead of Alucard.
...you assume everyone already knows about Hellsing.
...if they claim not to, you assume they're members of Section XIII, trying to suppress the truth.
...you started donating blood after getting into Hellsing.
...you go to London and are amazed at how well it's been repaired after the Incognito and Millennium attacks.
...you stalk Victoria Harwood and K. T. Gray (Integral's and Seras' voice actors).
...you didn't have to be told that those were Integral's and Seras' voice actors. Duh.

Are there more? Of course there are more! Page Five has more. What are you waiting for?

And Shine Hell(sing) Now

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