Shine Hell - You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When...

As a Hellsing fan, you're bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do - limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics. If you're close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

The third page of the fan-compiled handy reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

Erika Javert starts us off:

...you hurt yourself trying to stick your tongue out as far as Alucard can.

Shadow-chan brings a few:

...when you hear a call for "Walter" over the intecom you drop everything and run to show him your Floss-o'-death skills.
...a friend mentions a drink nicknamed the Nosferatu Special and you immediately order three.

These are courtesy of youngwalterismybishie:

...you can rattle off all the differences between the TV series, OVA, and manga.
...and explain the reason behind each one.
...you pre-order every manga volume nine months before it's actually released.
...you would kill for manga scanslations.
...you special-order Hellsing dōjinshi, even though you can't read Japanese.
...you burn out your printer by printing Hellsing pics.
...although you're a nerd, you've converted all the popular kids to Hellsing fandom.
...it's all you talk about.
...you treat your manga volumes like they're your children.
...you treat your manga volumes with more care than your actual children.
...you attempt to do everything on this list.

These are thanks to Clymnestra:

...you insist on converting your bed into a coffin.
...you pester your WWII-veteran grandfather for stories about Walter.
...you photoshop your favorite character into your vacation photos.
...and insist that they're the real deal.
...you have pillows with Hellsing characters printed on them.
...and you talk to them at night.
...you convince your teacher to give lectures on why Alucard is all that.
...Integral is the woman of your dreams.
...your teacher asks what's with the chibi Integral drawn on your papers all the time.
...and you accuse him of being a vampire hunting for Integral.

This is from Conor:

...you write "Enrico" on the top of your Maxwell brand CDs.
...and on all your cans of Maxell brand coffee.

Megan (aka DeathChocobo) brings us these:

...you break both legs trying to hang from the ceiling like Alucard.
...you insist that it's unimportant because they'll regenerate anyways.
...you break the ceiling trying to go through it like Alucard.
...you insist that the Queen will cover the repair costs.
...you print out and frame the Shine cappeared as a fangirour fangirl debut.
...your primary decision-making strategy is to ask yourself, "What Would Alucard Do?"
...you hang upside down from random places at night.
...you casually walk into things, assuming you'll go through.
...and when you fail, you declare that they contain silver.
...you spend your summer creating plush Hellsing characters.

And these come from Onikage:

...you only listen to Hellsing music.
...and you've created custom visualizations to go with all the songs.
...you bring Hellsing manga with you everywhere you go.

Kallero sent in these:

...you listen to Hellsing music 24/7.
...and savagely attack people who ask you to lower the volume.
...and almost kill someone who got fed up and turned it off.
...because you're sure that only vampires don't like Hellsing music.
...you refuse to use doors until you learn to walk through walls.
...you melt down crosses and make weapons from them.
...you storm Vatican City and demand to see Alexander Anderson.
...you write a textbook on how Alucard is Dracula.
...you kidnap Kōta Hirano and force him to write faster.

Chibi Arucard is guilty of several of these:

...you merge Hellsing characters with other, less worthy ones to make them watchable.
...your screennames use these newly revamped characters.
...you find a way to put Hellsing storylines into everything you write or watch.
...if you can't do that, you don't bother with the rubbish.
...even your parents refer to you as Alucard.
...and they hide the fact that you have Romanian relatives, fearing an insane ego boost.
...you only answer to "Master".
...you refuse to take orders from anyone who won't give you their blood.
...you worship any character who shares s/his voice actor with a Hellsing character.
...you can make a full Alucard costume in less than a day.
...you swear the Vatican is behind the paucity of Hellsing merchandise in your area.
...on blood drive days you lurk around hoping there'll be a spill.
...you attempt to buy the rights to Hellsing.
...you try to add the Book of Alucard to the Bible.
...even the voices in your head is Alucard's.
...it yells at you when you don't eat.
...and whenever you pass by a church.
...you write, direct, and film your own second series.
...you take red-eye in photos as proof of vampirism.
...you are told on a daily basis to seek help because you are not actually Alucard.

Nick Helf returns with these:

...you own life-size dolls of the characters.
...and you prefer their company to that of your family and friends.
...you put out a petition to make next year's policy debate topic AxI versus AxS.
...and it works.
...and you win nationals using that resoultion, because you've put so much thought into the issue.
...you get Hellsing bumper stickers.
...and vanity plates.
...and custom paint job.

And Connor Skehan sends in the following:

...you calculate which of Seras' breasts is bigger.
...and graph their changes in size over time.
...you explain this in detail to your younger siblings.
...and to your friend whose mother would kill him if she found out.
...you buy an Airsoft Barretta, since that's the standard issue police gun, which means Seras used it.
...you apply to be one of Kōta Hirano's assistants.
...and move to Japan to take the job.

These were thought up by ChiChi:

...your teachers have given up on telling you that art containing guns is not appropriate for school.
...when fellow drama club member Alex messes up his lines, you scream, "STUPID PRIEST!!"
...you've embroidered the Hellsing crest onto your coat.
...you've painted Alucard on your mailbox.
...you give yellow roses to all the blonde women you meet.
...you break the speed limit on purpose, hoping Seras will pull you over.
...whenever you meet someone with the last name Bernadette, you scream "PIP!!"
...you're afraid of nuns with glasses.
...you blast the Hellsing soundtracks so loudly that they can be heard from three blocks away.
...if there's no con this weekend, you hold one in your back yard.
...your back-door neighbors are now moving away.
...you singlehandedly hurt Van Helsing's circulation in your area by ranting about how bad it is.

This batch is from witchblade_estella@hotmail.com:

...when listening to a song, you imagine serenading it to Integral, and what her reaction would be.
...when reading fanfic, you imagine yourself in the characters' positions.
...even if the character's a Mary Sue/Marty Stu.
...when someone gets on your nerves, you say in a low, growling voice, "I've had enough of your mockery, baobhan sith!"
...you write Hellsing episode scripts and try to sell them to Gonzo.

These are courtesy of Setina:

...you say "Search and Destroy" for everything.
...including your cat.
...which is used to it by now.
...you speculate on Integral's bra size.
...all of your website layouts are AxI-based.
...you base your moral values on the ones exhibited in Hellsing.
...you write your own opening theme.
...you create a Hellsing font.

Kiyuu came up with these:

...you're shocked and vaguely nauseated that "Gabriel Van Helsing" works for a secret Vatican organization.
...you refuse to take your glasses off, insisting that your evil side will come out.
...you perform a funeral when your favorite minor character dies.
...you join a cult that insults Catholicism in hopes of meeting Heinkel and Yumie.
...you petition to get a live-action Hellsing movie produced.
...and earn enough money to cast Orlando Bloom as Enrico Maxwell.
...and it sets a record for Oscar wins.

These came from Fallen Angel Lenore:

...you refer to any younger person who bosses you around as "Master".
...you take up paintball just to improve your aim.
...if you miss a target, you yell at yourself that you should be dead by now.
...you call your paintball gun the Jackal.
...your room has become a fortress, guarded by all vaguely pointy silver objects you can find.

And these from AuronVegeta:

...you get custom decals of Alucard's sigil and stick them to your car doors.
...you walk up to people at random and whisper "Speak with Dead" and "Jesus Christ is in Heaven" in their ears, then walk away without any explanation.
...you climb to the top of tall buildings to yell "I LOVE HELLSING!"
...you send your resumé to the Vatican, asking if there are any positions available in Section XIII.
...when you get no response, you call them up and demand to speak to Enrico Maxwell.
...your personal business card says "Have .454 Casull, will travel."
...you struggle for days to get your favorite Hellsing character's name at the top of online game hi-score tables.
...your computer is coated in homemade Hellsing stickers.
...you snarl at the TV and bare your teeth when the Pope is on the news.
...when asked why, you nonchalantly reply, "The Vatican does't support human-vampire cooperation."
...you chastise people in Hellsing RPGs for not acting out their roles well enough.
...and force them to practice until they meet your standards.
...even if it brings the game to a dead stop.
...you wear sunglasses, even at night, claiming you can see better at night than during the day anyway.
...you spend hours researching genetics to write a report arguing for the existence of vampires and their assorted powers and limitations.
...and this isn't for science class, either.
...you chastise your history teacher for leaving the Millennium Project out of s/his lectures about WWII.
...you send letters to textbook authors demanding that information about Millennium be included in the next edition.
...you write your own textbook, to show them how it's done.
...you bite people who talk about Alucard from Castlevania, because he is a travesty to the name of Alucard.
...you invent a series of mixed drinks named after Hellsing characters, and convince local bartenders to serve them ("Hey, wanna try a Speared Incognito?").
...you would sell your soul for a chance to meet Kōta Hirano.
...you order a hat custom-made like Pip's, patch and all.
...you then refuse to wear it without your black, studded leather eyepatch.
...you stand on street corners downtown holding a sign that says "Buy Hellsing Now!"
...you also take this sign to strikes and protest marches.
...you start saying "Ja", just because Heinkel does.

A few from Rei Alucard, all true:

...you are now extremely proud that you are part French, part Scottish, part British, and part German.
...when your cat has kittens, you try to name the one you're keeping "Alucard".
...and it's a girl kitten.

This batch is from Goo the Male Integral Cosplayer:

...you really start to resent being brought up Catholic.
...you compare all the characters in other anime to Hellsing ones. ("Kadusuki in Get Backers stole Walter's weapon!")
...and then write about those characters meeting.
...convincingly.
...you can't write the word "integral" in any context without captializing it.
...and you can't read it without jumping for joy, thinking there's going to be a discussion about Sir Integral.
...you hold the computer hostage until your brother agrees to watch Hellsing.
...even at the expense of him realizing that the "guy" in the suit you cosplay is female.
...you go through your entire music collection looking for "good Hellsing songs".
...and then post the list on the Internet.
...and get into heated debates about it.
...and your friends make their own soundtracks based on the songs.
...and you make AMVs with all of them.
...all of your LJ/GJ icons are Hellsing-related.
...you got a paid account just so you could have space for more Hellsing icons. (Doesn't apply to Greatestjournal users, as they get a thousand icons free.)
...you start to think that a woman in a suit is sexier than a woman in a bikini or lingerie.
...you get a Hellsing-related IM screenname.
...and only speak in-character when signed on.
...you pay your brother $20 to watch all of Hellsing.
...and another ten to find out his favorite characters.
...and get angry when you find out his favorite is from the opposing organization of your favorite.
...you make your blonde-haired, green-eyed American Girl doll cosplay as Enrico, and claim she's happy to because she's already Catholic.
...you buy another AG doll with platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, and medium skin, and declare her a Protestant, the other doll's rival, and an Integral cosplayer. (I am pleading the fifth.)
...you insist that your original character is a canon Hellsing character; it's just that the story isn't far enough along to introduce her.
...you are no longer aware of how crazy friends and innocent dōjinshi-ka must think you are.

The self-style Alucard's vampyric lover wrote these:

...the first picture you drew of Alucard was drawn one minute after you first saw fanart of him, before you knew anything about the rest of Hellsing.
...you've completely relinquished all previous obsessions for Hellsing.
...as well as all hobbies.
...as well as silly things like sleeping and eating.
...your life goal is to convert all of your friends into Hellsing fans.
...you spend hours in Borders just reading the manga you can't afford.
...you argue with your best friend on who is better: Pippin Took or Pip Bernadette? Alucard or "that OTHER vampire she thinks is SOOOOO hot"? Walter or Alfred?
...you tell people that your cherry kool-aid pouches are medical blood packs from your Hellsing employer.
...and give the rest of your lunch to your friends because you "don't eat that stuff".
...and they believe you.
...you almost pass out when you hear "Shine" on a local radio station.
...your science notes are covered in doodles of guns.
...even though you have to turn them in.
...you talk to Alucard every night before going to bed.
...when your little sister comes in and complains that there's a monster under her bed, you tell her to go back to sleep because it's only Alucard.
...when she says she doesn't want to go into the bsement because there's something down there, you reassure her that "Alucard killeed whatever was down there."
...and she isn't scared of Alucard, even though he's a vampire.
...in fact, he's her imaginary friend.
...yours too.

These are courtesy of Gravedigger Epson:

...you insist that the main villain in the movie Scorpion King is an ancestor of Anderson just because he's played by Anderson's voice actor.
...if you accidentally knock off a Japanese girl's glasses, you immediately start pleading for your life.
...if you see a guy with a whole lot of piercings, you run up to him and ask, "Jan Valentine, may I have your @#!&ing autograph?"
...you go to Sunday school just to learn some cool-sounding prayers for your Hellsing fanfiction.
...you yell at the screen in the theater watching Van Helsing ("Abraham Van Helsing was Protestant!!" "Use your guns, Alucard!!") and Hellboy ("Oh, come on, Alucard could top that").
...you study law to find out what would happen if Alucard and Anderson had a lawsuit over the "Jesus Christ is in Heaven (Now)" phrase.

The list continues. (And continues, and continues, and continues...) Next up, it continues onto Page Four.

And Shine Hell(sing) Now

Home
Contents:

And Shine Hell(sing) Now

Home Contents:

Home
Contents: