Shine Hell - You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When...

As a Hellsing fan, you're bound to do some silly things in the name of your fandom. But there are limits to what a fan will reasonably do - limits based on things such as practicality, sanity, and the laws of physics. If you're close to those limits, you may have a hard time telling where they are. How far is too far?

The second page of the fan-compiled handy reference list:

You Know You Like Hellsing Too Much When . . .

...you go to see Van Helsing, not because you think it'll be any good, but because it has a guy who's vaguely related to Integral's ancestor in it.
...and you decide that you like that movie, not because it's any good or actually has anything to do with Dracula, but on the basis of the name alone.
...you splurge on all the old black-and-white Dracula films you can find.
...evan Zoltan, Hound of Dracula.

Credit for these goes to Big Red:

...you have clothes permanently bloodstained because your mom has gotten sick of soaking them.
...you make it a prerequisite to know about Hellsing to join any club you run, even if it has nothing to do with Hellsing, or in fact anime.
...you will buy any anime related to vampires.
...but after watching for five minutes, you deem them no match for Hellsing.
...you convince your parents that it was an accident you spilled black paint all over the dog, and he looks better as a hellhound anyway.
...whenever anybody is absent from anything, your first suggestion is that s/he was bitten by a vampire.
...people no longer find this suggestion unreasonable because you've converted them all.
...anyone who mocks or derides Hellsing around you vanishes mysteriously.
...and the bodies are never found.
...you insist on speaking in Anderson's thick Scottish accent.
...and writing on it, as rendered in the Dark Horse translations.
...you spend hours writing YKYLHTMWs.
...and they come easily, because you've experienced so many.
...you've perfected the Alucard smile, and a matching laugh.
...you decide that nothing is worthy of existing alongside Hellsing, so you concoct a scheme to destroy the Earth.
...right after the OVA is finished, of course.

These are thanks to Wyrrenlar:

...you always refer to Alucard as "Master".
...you introduce yourself to new people as "Alucard" or "Seras".
...and get insulted when they suggest that you're human.
...you hold long and detailed conversations with your Hellsing figurines.
...they talk back.
...you hallucinate Alucard, and it takes you a minute to remember that he's not real.
...scratch that, he is real.
...you can't hear the phrase "bloody hell" without adding "A four poster coffin..."
...you wash your neck thoroughly every chance you get because you don't want to put Alucard off a good meal.
...you can't read calculus books without laughing about the word "integral" all over them.
...when asked what you'd like to drink, you smile and say "Just transfusion blood for me."
...you go to churches and ask the priests what they're doing about the vampire problem.
...and then recommend that they bring in the Hellsing organization.
...you know all the nitpicky little details, like how long it took Seras to set up the sniper rifle in Order 02, how many guns fell out of Incognito's shell in Order 09, and so on.
...you can't read "Van Helsing" without thinking it looks wrong without the second L.
...you take a cardboard cutout of Alucard as your date to dances/clubs.
...you've set up a shrine dedicated, not just to Hellsing, but to the person who introduced you to Hellsing.

These have all been experienced by Bishōnen no Hime:

...you search Google for four and a half hours looking for new Hellsing fanfiction.
...because you've read ALL of it on fanfiction.net.
...you go to Otakon and glare at everyone you see dressed as Alucard, because you don't think they're tall enough.
...everything you buy or get at Otakon is Hellsing-related, even the badge.
...just listening to sound clips of Alucard's Japanese voice gives you shivers.
...you plot out which Hellsing character would be which Clue character.
...you design a pattern to make a chibi Integra doll.
...you use a fanart of Integra for your Computer Graphics final project.
...you teach yourself HTML just so you can make an AxI fansite.
...you can proclaim the Van Helsing movie a sacrelige against Hellsing simply based on the previews.
...you buy all the manga tankōbon in Japanese, even though you can't read it.
...and use them to teach yourself to pick out words ("blood", "vampire", "virgin", major character names) in Japanese.
...and then go nuts waiting for Dark Horse to get their butts in gear and bring the English copies out faster.
...you know for a fact that there is not a single store within fifty miles of where you live that has the second volume of the manga, a week after it's come out.
...because you call daily, and you'e been to them all twice.

The fabulous Jan McNeville produced the following:

...you go to a friend's bachelor party and are disappointed to discover that the slutty-looking dancers have no fangs.
...when new students come to your school, they are warned not to mention the words 'blood', 'priest', or 'guns' in your presence.
...for your birthday, your best friends tie the janitor up in the basement furnace room and paint a pentagram on the door.
...you've converted the janitor.
...it was his idea.
...you have an underling whose job it is to follow you about and hand you things when you need them. Teachers call said underling "Renaldo."
...so do said underling's parents.
...you've been banned from a growing list of local nightclubs for raiding them for stray Valentine siblings.
...you inquire in confession about the latest Iscariot budget cuts.
...Father Mulcahy smiles and rather desperately asks when the third manga is coming out.
...your mother discovers a bat hanging from the shower curtain rod.
...she greets it and tells tiny Victoria to go wake you up for school.
...you and your English teacher get into a fierce and heated debate over the supreme literary vampire. (Carmilla vs. Dracula!)
...she wears a green dress the next day, to mess with you.
...the school cafeteria begins serving tea after your successful plea campaign.
...next on the list: blood packets.
...you rush to the local Red Cross as soon as you're old enough to donate, only to be disappointed that Alucard is NOT there with a menu in hand.
...on your brand-new adult driver's licence, your eye color is listed as "red".
...your six-year-old blond cousin pleads with your aunt to come with you to Otakon dressed as Young Integra.
...she takes out half the Alucard cosplayers with some seriously precocious use of a plastic gun, while you smile beatifically behind your clip-on monocle.
...your rewritten Hellsingified version of the school song is the only one anybody can remember.
...your volunteer group is invited back to the local orphanage with the following note: "And do bring that lovely Scottish fellow! The children love him!"
...when your brother with the 21 piercings wants a ride somewhere, you give it on one condition: he must wear the knit cap and sweatsuit.
...other Hellsing fangirls glomp him on sight.
...you're driving him to Catholic catechism class.

These are courtesy of Nick Helf:

...Hellsing is the standard by which you judge all art, no matter what the subject.
...you pester local gunsmiths to make you the Jackal and Casull.
...until said gunsmiths take out a restraining order.
...at which point you start pestering Smith and Wesson instead.
...as a last resort, you make replicas of the Jackal and Casull out of wood.
...you reread the manga daily.
...you pester female cops to cosplay as Seras.
...and thank them for being so in-character when they get annoyed and flick you into walls.
...you actually read every word on the symbols, tattoos, and graffiti in the manga.
...you ask priests at random if they are regenerators.
...even before you see the TV series, you've spent so much time on Hellsing websites that you know all about it.
...you lie awake at night wishing for a good Alucard action figure.
...you think that the U.S. Special Forces should make the Harkonnen Cannon a standard issue.

And these are thanks to Onikage:

...you drink your own blood when you get a cut.
...your prents don't think it's weird.
...you take knives to church and ask the priests to bless them.
...they give up and do it.
...you demand blood at restaurants.
...it's produced.
...you switch all the DVDs at Blockbuster with Hellsing DVDs.

This batch came from the mind of Robyn:

...you don't count the time until the next release date in weeks or days; you count it in minutes.
...you convert a friend into an obsessive Hellsing worshipper in less than a week.
...solely because of the way you read the manga to them.
...with perfect accents.
...even though you've never been to most of the places where they're heard.
...and nobody thinks that's strange.
...two words: tinted contacts.
...but the red looks natural on you.
...because you've been wearing it for years.
...your parents now watch Hellsing with you.
...and get a kick out of it.
...and have forgotten why they ever wanted you to watch something more wholesome.
...anything you say can be traced back to a Hellsing quote.
...and if it isn't direct, you can still claim to be paraphrasing someone.
...and prove it.
...you relate every essay and research project to Hellsing.
...and your teachers don't mind.
...because you've converted them too.
...your anime club watches only Hellsing.
...all your copies, of course.
...all five hundred of them.
...you construct a realistic miniature coffin for your Alucard action figure.
...made out of genuine coffin wood from the local funeral home.
...you try to kidnap the bats from the local zoo.
...because you insist that they're vampires.
...and the zoo management believes you.
...you always wear gloves. Always.
...you only attend night school.
...as do all your friends.
...in fact, your school no longer opens during the day.
...when a DVD player or computer won't work, you break out your backup VHS tapes of Hellsing.
...and when those don't work, you go to the local Blockbuster and have them play it on the TVs for you.
...which they do, because you'll bite them if they don't.
...your long-suffering dog no longer cares about your modifications to make it look like a hellhound, because you've found some mysterious way to convert it into a Hellsing fan.

These were conceived by Cassie:

...you demand that Parker Brothers come out with a Hellsing version of Monopoly.
...they give in.
...you convince the prom committee that the theme should be "Hellsing".
...and then show up in full Seras costume.
...and you're a guy.
...your friends only address you as Alucard.
...and you're a girl.

The following are courtesy of Chrystal:

...you threaten club owners with biting if they don't surrender the Valentine brothers.
...you're remaining a virgin against the possibility that Alucard will show up and bite you.
...you only wear green suits.
...you wear a cross pin everywhere.
...you refer to any Protestant you meet as a "sow".
...you spend all day scouring the Internet for Hellsing information.
...you own a life-size Harkonnen Cannon.
...your computer contains only Hellsing-related files.
...you've convinced yourself that the sky is actually red.
...you no longer eat cheddar cheese because of its associations with demon priests.
...you scour the Internet for videos of people being killed, hoping to catch the Hellsing badge in one of them.

This bunch is brought to you by Lex:

...you convince your mother to let you get real fangs.
...and she actually pays for it.
...you teach yourself to draw by copying Hellsing art.
...and get so good that people beg you to teach them how to draw.
...but you can't draw anything that's not Hellsing-related.
...you go up to pale people and try to put your hands through their hearts, Alucard-style.
...you convince your teacher that Hellsing would be a great show to review for English class.
...and it works.
...because she's a fan, of course.
...whenever you hear a number, you relate it to Hellsing ("Twenty-three skiddoo." "Twenty-three, that's Integra's age!")
...and then use it as a segue into a long rant about Hellsing.

Anny returns to give us these:

...you have both the U.S. and Japanese versions of the Hellsing action figures.
...and you have arguements with yourself over which set is cooler.
...in the end you set out to make your own set, including the hellhound.
...you paint a Hellsing battle scene on the wall of your room.
...and it takes up the whole wall.
...and your parents don't bat an eye.
...you sneak into funeral homes and write "The bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame" on all the coffins.
...you buy anything that so much as reminds you of Hellsing in any way.
...which everything does.
...you watch Hellsing over and over.
...in slow motion.
...frame by frame.
...so that you notice things like how in Order 04, when Seras is getting the Harkonnen Cannon, Alucard just stands there staring at the Jackal for five seconds.
...you quote insults from Hellsing when you're angry.

This batch is by Blair:

...you and your friends come to school as a cosplay group.
...and speak in the characters' accents.
...and re-enact the battle scenes.
...you demand that your Walter cosplayer get you a bigger gun.
...your archenemy is any classmate named Alex.
...and you convince yourself that he has knives hidden in his backpack.
...and you convince him to come to school dressed as a priest.
...and he doesn't know you.
...you spend your lunch hour printing out Hellsing pictures.
...you carry your Alucard action figure everywhere.
...even to the bathroom.
...you won't drink anything that's not red.

These are from Shini:

...your boyfriend's nickname for you is "police girl."
...your nickname for your significant other is "Master".
...your Caller ID says "Alucard."

And these are from a different Shini:

...you've memorized Alucard's sigil.
...and know what all the symbols mean.
...you can draw any page of the manga.
...from memory.
...you tell people that life is like a paper balloon.

These are reported to be true by Yardena:

...you tackle the new kid with the last name Valentine.
...and shoot him with a model Harkonnen Cannon filled with holy water.
...even though you're Jewish.
...and don't let up until he swears in an appropriately Jan-like manner.
...you see someone with marks on s/his neck and start looking for Alucard.

Are there more? Of course there are more. Page Three, reporting for duty!

And Shine Hell(sing) Now

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